A Limited Engagement (The Prequel)

This post will not be neither schmaltzy nor pus-filled - although I'm certainly not ruling out any other bodily fluids - consider yourselves warned. This one is going to be an exploration of cultural differences. After all these years and many unbelievable experiences - someday I'll write about giving birth in Chinese, now that is a tragically amusing story - this was my first time to attend an engagement party in Taiwan. Since they are traditionally held by the bride's family, I naturally did not have one (apparantly you get off the hook if you are more than 10 time zones away when your daughter is preparing to get married.)

Anyway, Jason's sister is getting married. After having my father-in-law raise his glass to her and mutter, "Here's to you sitting at your in-law's table next Chinese New Year!" every year for as far back as I can remember, she is finally going to tie the knot. She is, after all, thirty-two years old and for a Taiwanese woman that's a big Jeez-it's-about-time!

Seeing as I am a National Chinese Speech Contest Champion (she writes modestly) I was selected to give the speech at the engagement banquet. What better to way to make your banquet special than to have entertainment by a large-nosed, hairless ape that [gasp] speaks Chinese. That would bring the house down. I had prepared my heart-felt sentiments with just a dash of humor sure to please the crowd when the death flu struck.

I had a touch of it at the beginning of January (hence no posts). It was a weird thing where my entire body hurt. I walked around hunching in my clothes because the mere sensation of my clothing touching my skin physically caused me pain. For three days, my co-workers continually asked me, "Why are you all hunchy?" My teeth hurt, my hair hurt, my fingernails hurt - it was pretty miserable. But, after a few days I felt I was on the mend. I was, in fact, the last member of Team Lai to come down with this bizarre flu. It started with Jason on Christmas Eve - he almost ruined our Christmas dinner. We were at our favorite steakhouse and I had to shush him several times, "Honey, do you mind not moaning so loud? I'm trying to enjoy my creme broule." It worked its way through the boys and then, while it was at its most powerful, set to work on me.

I had probably destroyed all but a half dozen of the most diligent and powerful germs when I made my fatal mistake. I stayed up until 2 am grading papers and exams for three nights straight. That's all it took. Those few renegade germs staged a coup and took over my poor body in its weakend state. Fever, aches, chills, and phlegm. Mountains, piles, mounds, gobs of phlegm. So much so that I ended up in the emergency room at 3:00am on a Friday night inhaling vaporized medicine through a hookah pipe while fever reducer dripped through an IV into my veins. And so it was that when we got back from the ER at 5:30 am we had exactly two hours before we had to head up to Taipei for the Engagement Party.

I am convinced that this is retribution for my bitchiness while preparing my speech for the blessed event. "No, seriously Jason. You name one nice thing I can say about your sister in front of those people. One thing. I'm waiting. See? You can't think of anything either and she's your sister!! Honestly, I can't lie in front of all those people!" Seriously bitchy. But I got mine. What they say about payback and all.

As for the Twilight Zone experience that was the actual party. Well, you'll have to wait until the next installment.